I want to stick my p in your. b.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
