So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
