don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
