you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
