I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
