It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just got carded by a ten year old.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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