FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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