I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
