I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Terrible idea I love it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
