my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you traded sex for a burrito?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
