I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
