I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
