Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
