saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I fill condoms, not promises.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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