I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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