you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
