I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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