Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
