Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
