So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize