Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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