as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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