Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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