i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
