So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
