I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
