so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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