Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
