Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
