I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
