does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
