she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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