Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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