How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
