when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
