My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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