i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize