when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
