paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
