No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
