That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
