I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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