my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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