Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize