we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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