I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
