Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think my fart just growled at me.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
this is an emotional support booty call
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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