Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
should my penis look like a turkey
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
