HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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