Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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