someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
