I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
