you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
thus making me awesome and them whores
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
