my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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