just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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