I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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