Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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