If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
