I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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